I ask you dear girlfriends, and answer me honestlyвЂ¦. Do I look like a MaвЂ™am? YouвЂ™ve seen the footageвЂ¦ me on a mountain, on a bike, at the beach, hell in a wetsuitвЂ¦. YouвЂ™ve seen me with and without a good blow outвЂ¦. Does this face make you want to call it MaвЂ™am?
Sure, I could stomach вЂњMissвЂќ, or вЂњMy LadyвЂќ or вЂњYour HighnessвЂќ, but really, вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ. ItвЂ™s truly a kiss of death in the female nomenclature. In fact IвЂ™ll go out on a limb here and say, that I would rather be called вЂњYo, BitchвЂќ, than вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ.
вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ is a shitty, shitty way to refer to a woman. вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ is a an old school librarian with flesh coloured pantyhose, reinforced at the toe and a sweater that smells like a storage closet. вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ is your music teacher who used to smack your knuckles while you played the piano in the event that a note was performed incorrectly. вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ smells like rotten gardenias and yesterdayвЂ™s lunch meat.
вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ is bullshit.
My dear girlfriendsвЂ¦ we need a new callingвЂ¦ down with the вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ. We must find a new address.
In the last decade alone, the English language has undergone significant additions and subtractions. Words come and go like wildfires. Facebook is now a verb, as in to вЂњFacebook meвЂќ, while Tweeting is more than just the sound a bird makes.
Equally certain words have been removed from our cultural repertoire. I wonвЂ™t give you too many examplesвЂ¦ but you know what I meanвЂ¦. Words like Jeggings and Stirrup Pants and Ballet Flats to name a few.
SO why canвЂ™t we banish the вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ. When will someone come up with a proper taxonomy for a 40 something woman who has a healthy sense of self-esteem and a really good sense of fashion?
Perhaps I should move to a French speaking part of the world, if only to be referred to as вЂњMADAMвЂќ. Why should men have all the fun? вЂњSirвЂќ is quite a lovely characterization. вЂњTo Sir, with LoveвЂќ, вЂњThey called him SirвЂќ, вЂњPlease Sir, May I have some more?вЂќ. Why canвЂ™t we, my dear girlfriends claim a name of our own? One that does not make us cringe at the thought. One that empowers us to be all that we are and not reach for our walkers and our denture cream in a wave of self-loathing.
As far as the science goesвЂ¦ I have nothing. No there does not exist a study regarding the use of MaвЂ™am and the decline of the female persuasionвЂ¦. Give me time, girlfriends, give me time.
I hate it when THEY call me вЂњMaвЂ™amвЂќ. I know they are just trying to be polite, but it is a knife of hot buttered bullshit that goes straight to my psyche.
I wanna a new name, God damnвЂ¦. Get to work my cybersistersвЂ¦ IвЂ™ve given you months and months of Tuesdays filled with creative quips and witty reparteesвЂ¦. You get me a new name and weвЂ™ll call it even.